superartie | OOC: TASTY SANDWICHES!

Or, you know, Artie's info post.

I'm totally taking a lot of this word for word from the info post I did for Artie the first time around. For those who don't know, Artie first came to Fandom in January 2006. He left at the end of September, reassured that the town was suitably weird, and thus protected from the devastating forces of Teh Emoo. But, well, it's been awhile. So he's baaaaaaaaaaaack!

So, who is this Artie guy, anyway?

Way back in the grand old days, there was this wonderful show on Nickelodeon called the Adventures of Pete and Pete. Starring Pete, Pete's brother Pete, and me, Ellen.

Well, not me. But that's how the shorts always started.

Pete and Pete was a marvel of absurdism in a suburban New Jersey setting. The Petes faced enemies like Endless Mike, the school bully, and Paper Cut, the kid who grew up in a paper shop with no friends, so he became a master of manipulating paper. They went on epic searches for the ice cream man and were driven to school by Bus Driver Stu Benedict, who couldn't seem to keep his girl friend Sally for more than about three minutes and was thus chronically depressed.

The younger of the two Petes had a personal superhero: Artie the strongest man . . . in the world. Artie was perhaps the most enigmatic character on the show. Who was he? Why was he so strong? What were his full powers? Why did he become the personal superhero of a 10 year old boy in suburban New Jersey when he had apparently gone on adventures with Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, and a turtle named Clark?

These questions were never answered. But Artie would leap in from the trees, strike a pose, proclaim himself to be strong, and often times help save the day while the Petes learned an invaluable lesson.

What was revealed was that he wasn't an alien, he had a kryptonite-esque reaction to the sound of a whammy bar, had a long standing feud with a swarm of Africanized bees, could thermally heat a wet- nap to steaming with his armpit, canoe on land, move houses by pushing on them, and didn't wear socks. Well, we found out a bit more than that, but those are really the essentials.

Why's he in Fandom?

Midway through the second season, Artie left the show. Little Pete didn't need him any more after he defeated Paper Cut in a game of rock, paper, scissors, and the International Adult Conspiracy, his sworn enemies, were determined to drive him out. They never said where he was going, or what he might do with the rest of his life.

In my brain, he went to Fandom. He taught the kids there to be weird. He even got an angel to be purposefully ridiculous. He crowned Jamie Madrox the Grand Lord Poobah of Dada (look, I don't remember the exact title, okay? Jamie got a crown. It was very special.) He defeated Teh Emoo, a dastardly creature that makes everyone around it excessively emo, with the help of his students and some concerned townspeople. And then he left again.

But, well, it's been awhile. People in Fandom have come and gone. So he's back, here to dare you to arm wrestle a slab of bacon or spend an entire day just saying the word "boing", or to just make your day a little bit stranger . . . and a little bit better.

Applied Dada and you

This summer will be the second time Artie has taught Applied Dadaism. It's a games class. He'll ask you to play rock, paper, scissors, capture the flag, dodgeball, poker, possibly Krebtego (Stratego, basically) or Hide and Seek. He just won't want you to throw rock, paper, or scissors, carry a traditional flag, throw balls, use playing cards, or actually, like, hide. You can be weirder than that. He has confidence in you. And if every game ends up being a bit like, well, Calvinball, that's just more fun.

About how Artie is written

Artie will be written in a third person, limited perspective. We don't get into his head. We just see how he behaves. The narration will even at times wonder what could possibly going on in that bizarre head of his. Artie speaks in excessive emphasis. I'm actually scaling back on this from last time I played him, so those who were around then, well. There ya go.

Artie's main purpose in life is to cheer people up by being weird. That means that if he comes across your character being emo, he'll try to cheer you up. By being weird. And getting you to be weird with him. This might involve racing a cabbage, it might involve fighting a bowling ball, it might involve trying to beat up the Atlantic Ocean. It might just involve him saying "pipe" a lot and getting tangled in a garden hose. Either or. I will not invade any threads or posts of emo without clearing it with you, first. I'm not here to thrust weirdness upon any one. But he's totes around if'n you need cheering!

Artie's actual powers are very mysterious. It's hard to tell just what he is and is not capable of doing. He says he's the Strongest Man in the World, and I don't have too much cause not to believe him, but much of this strength will happen . . . "off-screen". He might be able to move your house for you -- but only if he hadn't pulled a muscle in his back shifting that strip mall. He can throw things at super-sonic speeds as far as Saskatchewan -- maybe, we think, they go away, anyway. If he races that cabbage, he will win (usually). My rule of thumb is this: if it can be reasonably faked on an early nineties kids show with little budget, then Artie can probably do it. Maybe.

And lastly:

NOT DIRTY!!!

Another thing I'd like to note: Artie isn't meant to be creepy. He's asexual. He's a kid's show hero. He's a scrawny, middle aged man in tight pants who likes little boys in a completely platonic, best friend way. Seriously. Don't scar me by making him dirty. Please?

I think that's all. Bazoom.